sparklemotion89

things seem to be going my way. now that I have the tools I just need to make the choices....how do I want to live my life?
I'm finding a true place at Wesleyan and some true people. now for my choices...do I stay or do I go? do I apply for transfer? possibilities.

for one of the first times in my life I feel like I am strong...like I have the power

AHHHHHHHHH! Orientation is more like a disorientation here.

Things that have happened:
-My registration is fucked up.
-My dorm is getting revnovated so i have to jump over glass and other debris to get out of my room
-SOMEBODY TRIED TO BREAK INTO MY ROOM LAST NIGHT...then i heard a dude's voice...then i was scared shitless because there are only four girls in this dorm right now
-I missed all of my shit for this morning
-I have no idea how to navigate this campus


YO I'M TOTALLY LOST!

Everybody is so two-faced it disgusts me. The dots I connected today don't make a pretty picture.

Europe was a big load of drunk and fucking awesome. I would pay an insane and unreasonable amount of money to be back there right now. I would seriously just empty my bank account to spend the week on Mykonos and chill at this gorgeous beach we found.
Next vacation I'm seriously just going with 4 or so people. Traveling with a family is just difficult...and being on some sort of tour is just as tiring. I'd rather see things on my own...I'm not saying that the cruise wasn't completely amazing, I was just sad that we didn't get to spend more time on shore. We spent too much time in the boring places, and not enough time on the islands...like Corfu and Mykanos and even in Croatia.

I bought myself a piece yesterday only because nobody ever seems to have one, or enough money to get one. SO now I have this adorable little bowl that is pretty much going to belong to everybody but me because I barely smoke anymore. This is what happens when I actually have money...I just want to make everybody else happy and find that nothing is worth me buying for myself. Which is fine. I'm more of a gift giver anyway.

So my dad is going away next week. I'm hoping to get a bunch of friends together so we can do something nice and having a slumber party <3. Hopefully I can coordinate a day where this can happen. In the mean time, I'm going to get a pedicure because my feet are rotting off from walking too much and I need to visit my mom soon.

I have this strange inkling that I'm not good...at anything. I feel like I'm trapped here. I never grew into Smith the way anybody else did and now I just feel guilty for not being political, a feminist, an artist, or anything of any significance. It all just seems so lame when I'm standing right in front of it. My parents keep asking me why I don't do this, and why I don't do that. Maybe I just don't want to. In high school I always dreamed of living some crazy life in a big city making tons of money or chilling with celebrities. Now I just want something simple, and secure. I swear to god college killed me inside. It ripped away my hopes and dreams and made my passions into a competition between petty, snotty, rich girls who I have nothing in common with. To be truthful, I don't feel connected to anybody at Smith except maybe Rachel and my friends at Umass. I haven't called one person this summer. I feel guilty, but it's like I don't even WANT to call them. Sure, I miss Chimi, but I was never a part of anything at Smith.
Yesterday I finished that book Commencement about all of those Smith grads and it just brought on the guilt. Why can't I be connected to this place like other people? I hate it. I find everybody annoying and I find my English major to be a load of bullshit. Not to mention, everybody is such a fucking bitch.

I am so glad I'm going to Wesleyan this year, but I still can't help but feel bitter, let down, and guilty because I can't appreciate this experience. It's not for me. I can't help it, and I think about it every day.

I am wondering...

why do all girls introduced into our group of friends become disgusting?

how many more days is fagan going to call dan three times in a row?

how many more days before she gets the hint that he has never picked up his phone?

why do women in west hartford get pleasure out of giving shitty tips?

when will i ever go to a party without drama?

why does everybody have such shitty weed?

This is going to be a long one because i'm in a negative mood.

I CANNNN'TTT ESCAPE. Everybody is connected to everybody and I can't have any privacy or even live one day worry free. These people aren't trustworthy and I'm skeptical of everybody's intentions these days. I introduce my friend to a group of my friends and two seconds later some dude is fucking her. Everybody is fucking everybody and everybody claims to be a good person but I'm pretty sure nobody is a good person...inside. I'm just so anxious and full of worries because of things I can't control. I'm angry at drugs and alcohol and cigarettes and people who fuel each others' bad habits and make it impossible to get out.

On the other hand, work is stressful.
This kid at my internship has asked me to lunch every single time I've worked even though I told him I'm in a relationship. This is annoying.
I feel like I turn my back for one second and I get fucked over. The gossip, the people, this web of connections. I miss the times before 19 old friends from high school decide to hang themselves, or kids get their wisdom teeth out and next thing you know they're addicted to opiates.
Mother of god just send me away from here. I have the thinnest skin these days. I need to toughen up. But I know it won't always be this way. Just for now.

I'm becoming a workaholic and it's making me hate my life.

I have to work because I need the money. My parents are stingy and won't help me at all with this Greece thing, which I suppose is my responsibility anyhow. I just need a new bathing suit. and I can't afford one.

I keep missing out on these great things with my friends. I didn't do jacks hit for the fourth of July. I hung out with Frank's ex girlfriend (who sucks), and some guy who works in the kitchen at Besito because all of my friends were drunk on a mountain. So I didn't get to see one friend of mine on fourth of July, aside from Dan, and I just feel like I'm not part of that group anymore. I'm getting really sick of Dan picking fights with me in front of everyone then I get upset and make things awkward. It makes me embarrassed for having emotions/feelings/relationship problems...especially when they're with one of THEIR friends. The only one who's understood my point of view on this is Chris, because he's seen the way I'm treated first hand on so many occasions.
Part of me is just sick of all the scrutiny and gossip. I hear it about everyone, just like I'm in high school again. It makes me want to get away. I'm not interested in it anymore, I guess. And it's nothing against anybody. I just feel so out of place...like I've missed so much. Not to mention, I seem to be the person to pick on, which is fine because I know I'm goofy...it's just starting to grind on me. I dunno. I'm just upset. I missed the mountain. I miss everything. And no one waits up for me.

i feel like i haven't written in here for so long...probably because i've been busy

i pretty much no longer believe in myself. i try to do something music related in my life and nobody but dan shows up for practice. it's like the only thing i will infinitely love keeps letting me down. i had faith, too. i felt the rush for a minute, but nobody cares or has time. fuck everything.

this morning dan and i were joking around and i threw a milkshake at him. it was just a joke, but he screamed at me and demanded i polish his shoe. i did, because i was feeling weak.

I've been wasting this beautiful day unpacking my belongings and cleaning out the closet my dad stuffed a whole bunch of mom's shit in when she moved out last fall. So far I've found 20 pairs of my mom's underwear, a bottle of mead (WTF?), and Christmas presents dating back to 1997. It doesn't help that I'm currently hemmorahging (sp?), foodless except for some leftover cheese danish, and mentally prepraing myself to complete three ten page papers in a week. Fuck.

All I want to do is lie in the sun and go drink Captain Morgan with Erin and Marissa and whoever else wants to join in with the festivities.

I'm also just filled with overwhelming guilt. About a few things. Mainly one, but I'm so incredibly guilty that I had to just pick up and leave Smith without saying goodbye to anybody. This includes Paul and everyone else at Umass, Hampshire, ect. I left Tuesday night, expecting to head back up to Noho on Thursday, but then my doctor said that I had to get my procedure done on Friday and couldn't stay. None of my friends know what happened, why I'm too embarrassed to speak to any of them, or why I just picked up and went home without saying goodbye. I won't see some of these people for a year, and they've been there with me and for me. I miss them, and I feel like shit.

Now I'm back in Connecticut about to embark on a summer full of work, and trying to figure out where things went wrong. I'm going to spend this summer avoiding the people who've made my life miserable and trying to patch things up with old friends. It's all just so stressful. Now that I quit smoking pot and drinking (except on occasions), I have this conscience and this clear head....sometimes I just want to feel numb again. All I can feel now is the weight of anxiety and relationships on my shoulders. It's like starting fresh after fucking up big time for a good part of a year.

Well, not fucking up...but just...indulging too much.

I'm also fucking worried about Wesleyan next year. After what happened, I'm going to get on campus, and I feel like the whole experience is going to be so somber. Since school let out two days after the shooting, I'm going to be walking directly into the aftermath of an untimely death.

There is so much going on in my head. I'm beginning to see things as they truly are. I'm beginning to envision a future for myself and it's both beautiful and tragic.




(if you want to be in my life forever, like you say...
-stop smoking weed
-get a job
-stop dealing
-think of people other than your fucking self)



because if not. it's over. forever.

God I am so. burnt out. And these seniors in my hallways really just can't be quiet for five minutes. They fucking run down the hallway and scream "oh my god" and laugh obnoxiously loud at EVERYTHING. It's kind of ironic that they fucking narc'd on me, Chimi, and Sarah Kelly for smoking weed in my room. Seriously, if I were a pussy I would call the HR with a noise complaint, but no I'm not that lame, I'll just confront them myself...like, now. It's pretty funny to talk to people who know that you know that they fucked you over and they just can't meet your eye. Hah.
I have to write an essay on Puritans soon...I love the class, the readings are just...awful. Except today was pretty hilarious because we read Jonathan Edwards and he just wants everyone to go to hell and dangle like spiders over a burning pit which would lead us to our damnation. Or something. My professor is the sexiest middle aged man ever, I think, just because he has a sick fascination with the Puritans and always says the most fucked up, twisted things. Apparently he's in a band that sings about Michael Focault and Andrew Jackson and stuff, haha.
Lately I've been having really nutty dreams about having to take tests and forgetting everything I need to do for my acting class. It's probably because my acting professor (debatable whether she even has her Phd) is such a cunt. She's one of those people who tries to be really nice but then ends up saying horribly rude passive aggressive things that can really hit a nerve. Then she'll ask you really annoying questions like "Who ARE you" and "Why are you here?" and makes us answer in the voice of our characters and when we don't do it the way she wants she just fucking interrupts us! Straight up interrupts and asks more questions so you just flounder. One girl cried. Then she'll point out all of our little habits and say things like "You always do this thing with your lip, stop it," or with this girl who is clearly self conscious about her weight, she'll say "You need to lengthen yourself out and stretch yourself up because it's the only way you'll ever feel confidence." Seriously, WHAT A CUNT. Not to mention she makes us run around and yell at things and be an idiot, and she just....UGHHHHHHHH. I want to punch her in her botox'd fucking face!

That class brings me so much stress. Damn. But otherwise things are good. Starting to feel at home up here again and I keep myself super busy all the time. I find out about Wesleyan in two weeks or something like that. I'm terrified. I need to get in. I have great plans for my life next year that I can only carry out if Wes. accepts me.

I have to be at Sage Hall in five minutes so this will be brief. I've been thinking a lot about karma lately. It seems like everybody in my life who has done something horrible to another person has had that same thing happen to them recently. For example, my friend who used to bully me and put me through a lot of stress in high school is now being bullied by everybody...and a guy who has been a notorious jerk to girls just got hardcore rejected by a chick he really liked. Edit: I also just remembered that this girl who narc'd on me last week broke her foot. It's almost scary...I wonder what I've done that's going to come back to me.
Sometimes I feel like not everybody who does bad things deserves to fall in the wake of karma. People change over time and learn from their mistakes, even if they might not show it.
March is such a hard month for me...maybe just for everybody. It seems like March brings depression and hardships and general misfortune. This March seems to be going the same. It reminds of that circa survive song where anthony green asks if he's going to last through the winter. I don't know if every part of us can last. The winter puts so much emotional and physical stress on our body is like we slowly decay with the trees and pieces of our soul drop away like dead branches. I want to make it so badly. Everybody in my life is dealing with their shit right now. None of us have time for one another...but to everybody I know...I'm here. I just want these people to know that even though I might be hanging on by the tips of my fingers, I'm not too wrapped up in myself to be there when you need me.

motherfuck! i just spent so much money on hair color (because I wanted something different) and the stupid cunt made my hair look exactly the same. I want to kill her!

Good things about today:
-Getting a second job at Student Financial Services
-Getting a new phone charger because mine is busted
-Hoping to receive my new AA hoodie
-Cashing a check
-Lit of the American West got canceled
-Tomatoes with mozzarella and olives for lunch.
-Mad sick music class on Jimi Hendrix
-Nothing to do this evening except practice my monologue and chill with Dan

Bad things about today:
-Getting a nasty facebook message from Brie blaming me for her boyfriend cheating. Wtf.
-Receiving an e-mail from Reslife about how they know i'm smoking weed in the dorm and need to stop
-Only getting 7 hours a week from said new job
-Feeling apprehensive about my Puritans paper


Oh well. Looks like good outweighs bad. Life is still awesome anyway.

Just when I started to feel things changing I realized that they haven't, they haven't at all.

I'm feeling better. I do things now...I have purpose...but at the same time, I'm lost. Sometimes I get really lonely. Right now...I'm back at school and I feel like I lost momentum because I went home...I went home and I was with somebody and with my friends, and now I'm with nobody and have this pile of work that needs to be done. So much has to be accomplished in the next week. I'm going to lose it.

How is it that I can have everything and nothing all at the same time?

I just called Dan because I miss him and I was upset that he ignored my phone calls all last night. After the most amazing weekend with him...after all of the things he said to me about our relationship and our future...I call him to tell him I miss him, and he tells me to chill out because we just spent three days together. That's not the point. I wasn't expecting him to come up here...I just think about him and miss him and long for him like some sort of idiot at times and need to hear his voice. Sometimes I'm fine on my own and feel like I have the world at my fingertips, and sometimes I'm just a little lonely puddle who has no direction and can't build a life.

I feel unimportant right now and I'm not sure how to make myself feel important. Sometimes it's like I just fall into a dark hole and have to sit there thinking about how I'm going to get out when the solution is to just use my strength and pull myself up over the edge.

I have two papers to write for tonight. I should really just write them now. I think I'll write one.

Meeting at 5:30 for a presentation due Thursday.
Retarded translation class from 7 to 9.

Three papers due next week and I'm a horrible horrible mess.

God sometimes I am such an idiot!

Everything feels crisp and excellent except for the fact that I have no clean towels and no money on my card to do my laundry!

I got into a fight with my mom yesterday and it sucked. We're not talking. Now that I'm a normal human being again (i.e.- not pumped full of dangerous hormones) I can say that I don't really care. I just have to accept that my mom is incredibly selfish and wants all or nothing. So I'm giving her nothing. I have a job and I can provide, somewhat, for myself now. I just don't want to deal with anybody in my life making me feel guilty over nothing and consistently try to make me believe that I'm a terrible daughter/terrible person when I know I'm not. She will never convince me of these things. Just because she's fucked up doesn't mean I am.

Life rules right now. Today was warm and sunny and I could feel it from the moment I woke up even though I was still in bed. Tomorrow should be great and yesterday was perfect. I took Dan up to Vermont for an a cappella show that my group was singing at and we had a great time walking around Brattleboro. Ever since I fucked up big time, things have been better between us...people always says that fighting brings people closer together...I guess I never believed it until now. For the first time I feel like we're on the same page and understand each other a little more...understanding another person can be so stressful and difficult because everybody live their life differently, but I dunno...I feel so great about everything right now. My classes are shaping up to be fascinating, I've been consistently writing music, my professors like me, and it seems like I'm falling back into place at Smith.
Lately I've been loving it here and it feels so great. I guess my parents were right by taking away my car--I feel like I belong somewhere. I'm not saying that I belong at Smith because I know things would be better somewhere else, but lately it's all been settling in, and I've been making the best of things. My a cappella group has been great and my job is allowing me to meet so many new/awesome people. I also get to see Grace again because of it, even though I still get the feeling she's too busy for friendship.
Being away from Rocky Hill for a little while is doing great things to me. I was just sick of it...the people, the drama, some of Dan's bullshit friends. I feel like I'm in an entirely different world altogether...people view me as me...not somebody's girlfriend or some chick. I'm Kate and people seem to enjoy my company.
Dan comes up twice a week or so...I miss him like crazy. Yesterday was such a great thing for us, I can't get over it or contain myself and it's making me feel lame. I just can't stop thinking about everything positive. Even my a cappella group decided to change their rehearsal to Wednesday so now Thursday night is wide open for a long weekend. I don't have to worry about a thing.
Last night somebody TP'd my room because I left a roll of toilet paper next to my bed. I also received a ransom note for a bag of Nestle chocolate chips...I wonder who could have done such a thing :)

Man...how my attitude changes in just a week or so. It honestly seems like the weather and my change of birth control is an exquisite combination meant to make me into a better person...or something...I don't know.
I feel like all that is bad in my life will eventually be good. I love, I live, and I pursue. I finally feel complete.

I did something bad.

But it was necessary.